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Heather Pharris

Well that’s just great! I’m going to have a grandson in law. I love him sweetie the whole family does. I’m just so happy for you. And I know you’re happy. Look at you! You’re grinning like a mule eating briars.


(laughs hard enough to activate smoker’s cough)

Don’t you worry your pretty lil head bout one damn thing. If you still wanna do this back yonder I’ll make sure the yard looks purty and green and Carliss is already talking about putting a gazebo back there and everything. Speaking of Carliss, I won’t tell her yet. You know I’m a good secret keeper. I’ll wait till you can share the news with her. But be careful if you start wedding planning with her. I love my wife but she likes things done the exact way she wants it. And the way she wants it is usually with some sort of name brand shit and a price tag to match it. Damn woman knows how to spend money.

But anyway back to what you were saying. I won’t tell anyone yet. This is yours and Devan’s news for you two to share. But if you don’t mind I want to embark some of my worldy wisdom apon you if you would allow me. I have been married three times, so I’m kind of an expert on marriage and a doctorate of divorce, but I do know this. You have to have your secrets. It’s okay to not share everything. You have a life… Devan has a life. I know there’s been some shit that you would rather not bring out in the open. I’m willing to bet he has his own shit that smells just as bad. But you two don’t have to share it. It’s healthy to hide things from each other. Like Carliss, I can’t tell that woman a damn thing without her poking her nose and asking a million questions. She’s a nosy woman. Worse than that she’s sneaky too. She found out about your brother’s speeding ticket before me and your daddy did. The boy was probably working his thumbs instead of paying attention to the goddamned road.


(clears throat, remember he’s a 20-plus-year smoker)

But I told you that to tell you this… I’m proud of you honey and I’m happy for you but have your own bank account.

Spring, 2017 Issue

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