body count

Sam Russell

I'm not sure if I lived out my teenage fantasy 

Of getting with a guy and being wanted 

The right way. 

Research can't prepare you for the way a man looks when the lights are off 

Or how they all look the same if I take my glasses off. 

Charm 

And a few pretty words were all 

it seemed to take. 

I wasn't anything to them. 

Just a body. 

That's not so bad, it can't be. 

Another tally for the wall 

Another niche in the handle of a loaded gun. 

Maybe we meant nothing 

To each other. 

Is that the way its supposed to go? 

I'd always watch 

The great pine sway through the blinds 

Against a bright blue sky 

To distract from his 

Underwhelming and inexperienced affections. 

I never had the patience to educate 

Or the heart to tell him 

That I took acting classes back in high school. 

Man-made machine makes men obsolete 

And so I took the love out of making it. 

Efficiency for intimacy 

A fair enough trade. 

Make believe was a better friend than he ever could be. 

If I'm going to feel empty 

Even when I'm with him, 

Why not cut out the middleman? 

Alone I no longer have to say 

'I'm tired, baby 

Let's kiss each other goodnight 

And dream of other people." 

I'd be lying if I said that I hated every second of it 

But the wine turned sour 

And now I'm alone in a communal shower 

Wishing I'd listened 

to my Sunday School teacher 

Tell me I shouldn't give myself 

away too early 

And to someone who didn't even think 

I was ever that pretty. 

Spring 2025