Hey there my fellow straight friendos!! Wanna know how to master the art of LOVE? Here’s a few tips! 

 

• Tip 1: Always refer to love as though it is a mystical guiding force that can never be understood. Romanticizing a lack of clear and defined boundaries is a great idea that never works as a convenient excuse to abuse people! Love is, in no way, the willful commitment to nurture the personal growth of oneself or another being. Instead, love is just like the Taoist concept of the blank slate, as the principles of staying “in the moment” and avoiding rash judgments can be flawlessly generalized to treating people however you damn well please. It also only refers to romance, so you should never tell your parents or children you love them. 

 

• Bonus tip for men: If you’re in a relationship and have a bad day, be sure to take it out on your partner! Hoarding pain is selfish, so be sure to share it mercilessly. (This also applies to parenting!) If you decide to beg for forgiveness, declare your undying “love” for your partner despite having repeatedly insulted their humanity, as this doesn’t confuse the concepts of caring (emotional attachment) and loving. Swear that you will do better, and then conveniently forget to do any meaningful introspection, because that would lead to being rejected (see next tip). 

 

• Tip 2: Avoid rejection at ALL COSTS. If you get rejected, the word will spread like wildfire, no one will ever date you, your friends will hate you, your family will disown you, and you will die alone in the woods, where your disgusting carcass will, untouched by wildlife who all innately sensed how pathetic you were, perish the soil beneath it and rot the surrounding trees, as it turns, slowly, to dust, which will then end up getting into the water supply, where it wouldn’t actually kill anyone, but it will take a massive toll on the plumbing infrastructure, which will lead to a pipe bursting in the sewers, which will mix waste in with the running water, which will actually kill a whole lot of people, and they will all blame you because it was your fault for getting rejected. 

 

• Bonus tip for women: The social movement to normalize consent as being an affirmative, spoken “yes” entirely and instantaneously changed the game of flirting, especially with regard to dealing out rejection! You can feel 100% safe never being direct nor forthright when rejecting men, especially those who are socially disabled. If there is a miscommunication, don’t worry! It’s entirely his fault and not at all an inconvenience where you are both victims of conflicting cultural norms. 

• Bonus tip for men: Lesbians don’t exist. Do not fall for this common rejection myth! You must insist to women who identify as such that they just haven’t found the “right guy.” Then, when they slap you in the face, simply remind them they have been brainwashed by the woke mob! Once you are in prison, you can be certain she was flirting with you the entire time. 

 

• Tip 3: Never acknowledge your own intentions or your situation. Situationships are only healthy as long as you both refuse to talk about your feelings and intentions. If you do that, you will get rejected, which will have disastrous consequences (see previous tip). 

 

• Tip 4: Once you are in a committed relationship, strictly enforce the other person’s commitment. If they leave you, YOU WILL DIE ALONE. Make sure you are very clear about this fact, and have your partner make a blood oath to never speak to others of the opposite sex. This can be achieved legally as well! If you are uncertain about your relationship, get married and conceive a child together ASAP, as this always ends happily for all parties involved. Even if you are still unhappy together, remain wedded to your new spouse; after all, marriage is not about love, it’s about feigning the appearance of love for social approval! All the other couples are faking the happiness too, right? RIGHT? So it’s perfectly normal to never express feelings of affection for your spouse when in conversation with others, and it’s great to constantly crack jokes about how much they annoy you! 

 

• Bonus tip for women: men are far less likely to be taken seriously as victims, so use this fact to your advantage and threaten to accuse him of SA if he leaves you. Then, proclaim yourself a “feminist” as you invalidate, condescend, and demonize your man’s pain, which in no way reinforces the patriarchal social norm that men should never be vulnerable! 

 

• Tip 5: You will never alienate your friends and family by incessantly talking about your crush or partner whenever they are not in your presence. So take charge and alienate them yourself by proceeding to ignore everyone else entirely the instant your romantic interest is within your line of sight, adopting an entirely different personality perfectly sculpted to fulfill the unspoken wants and desires of the object of your obsession!